It was an average Saturday morning for the Todd family. That is, it was, until the unthinkable happened.
Michelle and Ted Todd–happily married since 1994–were on their usual grocery run. Brussels sprouts, steaks and cole slaw ingredients for the big game on Sunday, and of course some brisket and Idaho Yukon Gold potatoes. And who could forget Drumsticks ice cream cones for Dylan. All in a Saturday’s work.
But who is Dylan, you ask? Dylan “Chester” Todd was Michelle and Ted’s only child. Their pride and joy. At just fourteen months old, he was already wowing adults with his high IQ scores and the ability to read at a graduate school level. As with most toddlers, what Dylan lacked was common sense.
After Michelle and Ted had gently loaded Dylan, along with the keys, into their car, they resumed packing up the groceries as usual into their 2006 Toyota Corolla. The couple were all smiles, as they had finally seemed to get a failing marriage back on track that morning–thanks in no small part to Dylan.
But then their doors wouldn’t open. The couple repeatedly pulled on the handles, but to no avail. Scanning the entire interior of the sedan, they quickly spotted the culprit. Dylan, always known to engage in practical jokes and gags (and earning the title of “class clown”), had locked the doors. The little jokester had the spirit alive in him as he laughed, his pure joy and happiness easing the concerns of his parents.
By the time the Hillsboro County Fire Department showed up, Dylan was still alive and well. However, they soon found out that they couldn’t manage to get the doors unlocked.
Ted Todd, always tinkering with his possessions and never quite satisfied, had installed a military-grade window system of his own invention on the Corolla. “I guess I might have went a little overboard,” Ted said, sneaking in a wholesome grin. “They should make me a Lieutenant!”
As a result, the firefighters weren’t able to unlock the car doors. To make matters worse, Dylan simply couldn’t stop laughing hysterically the entire time, stressing out the firefighters and serving as a solemn reminder to Ted and Michelle that perhaps this would be the last time they ever hear their darling boy’s signature laugh.
As the firefighters fought and fought, they ultimately resorted to attempting to smash the car windows in. As one might guess, Ted had bullet-proofed those as well.
With the interior being fully airtight and no new oxygen flow for over ten hours, even the low amounts of oxygen required by the average baby can quickly become exhausted. As such, Dylan Todd sadly passed away at 8:36pm that evening.
A private funeral service for friends, family, and VIPs will be held at St. Matthews Cathedral next Sunday from 10am-11pm. My prayers lie with the family, the brave firefighters, and all others affected.
Despite the unfortunate circumstances and an unreasonably early death, perhaps we can take solace in–and maybe even learn a thing or two from–the fact that Dylan died doing what he’d loved–laughing.
Special Delivery: yet another reason not to trust the impending takeover of drones.
As drones have rose to prominence in the past several decades, they have been responsible for killing babies, drug trafficking, and tariff circumvention, to name a few.
But this time, drones–and Amazon–may have gone too far.
At approximately 3:30am on October 25th, 2017, a drone arrived at the White House loading dock bearing what appeared to be gifts. Though the Secret Service had been fast asleep at that point, President Donald J. Trump–known to eschew sleep in order to get more work, deals, and negotiations done with foreign entities.
Trump approached the package skeptically, but tactfully. He had a feeling something was up–and he was right. Once the package was dropped off by the drone, an NFC chip hardwired into the bomb decoupled from the Amazon drone, effectively beginning a countdown of just five minutes. As soon as Trump realized what was in the package, he knew exactly what to do.
Keeping his former military experience and general intelligence in mind, Trump is no stranger to disarming bombs. Sources close to Trump estimate between one and four seconds remaining on the bomb. In the nick of time, Trump was able to save both himself, as well as over two centuries of American history in one fell swoop.
What does this mean for the future of America? Naturally, our skepticism towards drones now has a more established provenance. Perhaps Trump will enact more policies and strip more regulations to ensure that drones have no place in our society, or maybe he’ll even go for Amazon and fine them. After all, if products aren’t made and sold in America, what’s the point?
Today, the first game of the 2017 World Series was underway between the Houston Astros and the Los Angeles Dodgers. The Astros, a hometown favorite, were primed to defeat the Dodgers early on.
But what happened before the game even started was of bigger note.
The Dodgers sat through the national anthem. Some players even began to kneel.
Joining other PC crusaders across the country, the spineless Los Angeles Dodgers manager refused to dress down his players. He should’ve told them they were wrong to disrespect the flag and our soldiers like that.
This is nothing new. Furthermore, this should be expected. If we ever want to affect serious change in our country and take it back from what it has become: a cesspool of takers and lazy bums, then we need to stop listening and idolizing these fools.
Idolize your pastors. Idolize your parents. Idolize your God. But do NOT idolize athletes, entertainers and the like. There are only here for you on Earth and NOT in heaven.
Congresswoman Maxine Waters has threatened to attack to Trump and has been quoted as saying she wants to “Take Trump Out. Period.”
Waters has been one of the most outspoken critics of Trump.
Waters has suggested several times in past months that Trump should be impeached, most recently over his argument that NFL players should stop kneeling for the national anthem, a movement started in protest of police mistreatment of African-Americans.
Waters’ most recent comment about Trump, as reported first by The American Mirror, comes just a few months after a gunman opened fire on congressional Republicans as they practiced for a charity baseball game, severely wounding House Majority Whip Steve Scalise, R-La.
Democratic Rep. Al Green, Texas, also threatened to try to impeach Trump.
Earlier this month, he withdrew at the last minute an attempt to force the entire chamber to take a preliminary vote on the issue.
Though the effort would unlikely get a final vote in the GOP-controlled House, any such vote would be politically messy for any member, including Democrats who are trying to develop the message for the 2018 midterms beyond one merely opposing Trump, which has been unsuccessful for them.
Nancy Pelosi, the minority speaker in the House of Representatives, came out this week and said something extremely incendiary.
“At this point white people are the problem,” Pelosi said. “Let’s only elect minorities from now on. White people had their chance. They failed.”
Pelosi is ignoring the obvious fact that white people have created the largest source of innovation and wealth the world has ever seen. Western ideals have trumped nearly every facet of global life because it does indeed work better.
The Democratic party is moving so far left and becoming so multicultural that Pelosi, as a leader, must now adapt and let her white guilt do the talking. Ultimately, there is little room in the Democratic party for disagreements and Pelosi has to fall in line.
This continues a long line of anti-American sentiments that have sprung forth from Democratic leaders in the last two decades.
Candidates like Bernie Sanders and Hilary Clinton have clearly thrown America under the bus. Instead of venerating the country they serve and supporting our troops and flag, both have taken to bashing the American identity for cheap support and power.
“Multiculturalism IS America,” Sanders said last year. “No longer will we only have rich old white men leading the seat of power. Instead, let us be a more representative democracy and replace them with people of color.”
Pelosi could not be reached for comment, but her words speak for themselves.
Barron Trump, President Donald J. Trump’s youngest son with Melania, has just won a national academic award according the AP.
Barron, who has one of the highest GPAs in his class and is in the 99% of 11 year olds nationwide, has won the prestigious Quantum Mathematics Award. Barron study Quantum Mathematical Theory in school.
“[Barron] wrote a stellar essay,” mathematician and award presenter Terry Rooskhead said. “There honestly isn’t a smarter kid in America at the moment. He’s the youngest to ever win the award.”
Everybody knows Barron is a certified genius. His IQ is 163 and yet remarkably, he is humble and gracious in victory.
“Thank you so much to the board for this award,” Barron said. “I only do this for one reason: to make my father proud. Thank you daddy.”
As of now, Barron hasn’t decided which high school or even college he may go to. For now, he is sitting back and enjoying being a kid.
Still, every once in a while, he feels like dabbling in academia and changing it forever.
“I think it’s fake news. But if he did [say] that, I guess we’ll have to compare IQ tests. And I can tell you who is going to win.”
Trump, always a man of his word, made sure to make time out of his busy schedule to run the IQ tests, and a representative from the White House has approached The Daily Chronicle with the results.
Solomon Baxter, Junior Representative For the White House HR Department, has let us in on the fact that Trump’s scores far surpassed Rex’s–and he’s gonna be very embarrassed by this one.
According to official tests administered by Mensa International, it turns out that Trump’s IQ rested at an impressive 162, on surpassing even that of Steven Hawking and coming close to former child prodigy Kim Ung-Yong.
Predictably, Rex didn’t fare quite so well. His score? A mere 74, making Rex Tillerson officially borderline retarded.
Well it seems that the results are in and once again, Trump has proven that he refuses to accept the false words of White House bullies–and proving yet again that he will fight false accusations with facts.
This story will be updated as more information is made available.