Trump Officially Declares Opioid Crisis A “Public Health Emergency”

The opioid crisis in America is the largest such epidemic in world history. And nobody can stop it except President Donald J. Trump.

Trump has decided to finally take this crisis head on.

America has always been a drug-infested nation, due in large part to the overwhelmingly liberal sentiments that plague mainstream culture. With Trump finally elected and non-big-city America–the rest of us–finally having the voice we’ve been waiting for for centuries, there’s a good chance that these liberal clowns may have to say “bye bye” to their heroin and prescription painkillers.

White House Correspondent Gene Davis had this to say:

Never has there been a more exciting time to be an American. We finally have a President that’s going to execute the wishes of all Americans, and that starts with the looming Opioid crisis. This has gone on for far to long, and it’s about time someone stepped in. Trump just happened to be that man, because he cares about the people and he wants us to be safe.

Personally, I am excited because I have known many friends that I had to cut myself off from due to their rampant drug abuse (and liberalism).
With Trump in power and making his official statements, perhaps more than one of us can rest easy tonight.

BREAKING: Barron Trump Awarded Chess Grandmaster Title

Everyone knows Barron Trump is the smartest President’s kid ever. Or should we call him First Son?

Either way, Barron has been awarded the prestigious title of Chess Grandmaster this week from the International Board of Chessmasters.

His ELO, a score calculated to determine a chess player’s ability in a match, was the determining factor in lifting Barron to the rank of Chess Grandmaster.

Barron Trump is only 11 years old but he has already attained one of the highest titles in all of sports.

This should be no surprise considering who is father is. Donald Trump is one of the highest ranked and most celebrated American chess players of all time.

In the 1970s and 80s, Donald Trump studied under the tutelage of players like Bobby Fischer. Eventually, he won hundreds of chess tournaments abroad before retiring at the ripe old age of 40.

Donald Trump has been training Barron ever since he was a kid.

And now all of that hard work has paid off.

 

Rogue Amazon Drone Attempts To Deliver BOMB To White House

Special Delivery: yet another reason not to trust the impending takeover of drones.

As drones have rose to prominence in the past several decades, they have been responsible for killing babies, drug trafficking, and tariff circumvention, to name a few.

But this time, drones–and Amazon–may have gone too far.

At approximately 3:30am on October 25th, 2017, a drone arrived at the White House loading dock bearing what appeared to be gifts. Though the Secret Service had been fast asleep at that point, President Donald J. Trump–known to eschew sleep in order to get more work, deals, and negotiations done with foreign entities.

Trump approached the package skeptically, but tactfully. He had a feeling something was up–and he was right. Once the package was dropped off by the drone, an NFC chip hardwired into the bomb decoupled from the Amazon drone, effectively beginning a countdown of just five minutes. As soon as Trump realized what was in the package, he knew exactly what to do.

Keeping his former military experience and general intelligence in mind, Trump is no stranger to disarming bombs. Sources close to Trump estimate between one and four seconds remaining on the bomb. In the nick of time, Trump was able to save both himself, as well as over two centuries of American history in one fell swoop.

What does this mean for the future of America? Naturally, our skepticism towards drones now has a more established provenance. Perhaps Trump will enact more policies and strip more regulations to ensure that drones have no place in our society, or maybe he’ll even go for Amazon and fine them. After all, if products aren’t made and sold in America, what’s the point?

This story will be updated as it develops.

BREAKING: Maxine Waters Threatens to “Take Trump Out”

Congresswoman Maxine Waters has threatened to attack to Trump and has been quoted as saying she wants to “Take Trump Out. Period.”

Waters has been one of the most outspoken critics of Trump.

Waters has suggested several times in past months that Trump should be impeached, most recently over his argument that NFL players should stop kneeling for the national anthem, a movement started in protest of police mistreatment of African-Americans.

Waters’ most recent comment about Trump, as reported first by The American Mirror, comes just a few months after a gunman opened fire on congressional Republicans as they practiced for a charity baseball game, severely wounding House Majority Whip Steve Scalise, R-La.

Democratic Rep. Al Green, Texas, also threatened to try to impeach Trump.

Earlier this month, he withdrew at the last minute an attempt to force the entire chamber to take a preliminary vote on the issue.

Though the effort would unlikely get a final vote in the GOP-controlled House, any such vote would be politically messy for any member, including Democrats who are trying to develop the message for the 2018 midterms beyond one merely opposing Trump, which has been unsuccessful for them.

Nancy Pelosi: “White People Are The Problem, Lets Only Elect Minorities From Now On”

Nancy Pelosi, the minority speaker in the House of Representatives, came out this week and said something extremely incendiary.

“At this point white people are the problem,” Pelosi said. “Let’s only elect minorities from now on. White people had their chance. They failed.”

Pelosi is ignoring the obvious fact that white people have created the largest source of innovation and wealth the world has ever seen. Western ideals have trumped nearly every facet of global life because it does indeed work better.

The Democratic party is moving so far left and becoming so multicultural that Pelosi, as a leader, must now adapt and let her white guilt do the talking. Ultimately, there is little room in the Democratic party for disagreements and Pelosi has to fall in line.

This continues a long line of anti-American sentiments that have sprung forth from Democratic leaders in the last two decades.

Candidates like Bernie Sanders and Hilary Clinton have clearly thrown America under the bus. Instead of venerating the country they serve and supporting our troops and flag, both have taken to bashing the American identity for cheap support and power.

“Multiculturalism IS America,” Sanders said last year. “No longer will we only have rich old white men leading the seat of power. Instead, let us be a more representative democracy and replace them with people of color.”

Pelosi could not be reached for comment, but her words speak for themselves.

Barron Trump Wins National Academic Award

Barron Trump, President Donald J. Trump’s youngest son with Melania, has just won a national academic award according the AP.

Barron, who has one of the highest GPAs in his class and is in the 99% of 11 year olds nationwide, has won the prestigious Quantum Mathematics Award. Barron study Quantum Mathematical Theory in school.

“[Barron] wrote a stellar essay,” mathematician and award presenter Terry Rooskhead said. “There honestly isn’t a smarter kid in America at the moment. He’s the youngest to ever win the award.”

Everybody knows Barron is a certified genius. His IQ is 163 and yet remarkably, he is humble and gracious in victory.

“Thank you so much to the board for this award,” Barron said. “I only do this for one reason: to make my father proud. Thank you daddy.”

As of now, Barron hasn’t decided which high school or even college he may go to. For now, he is sitting back and enjoying being a kid.

Still, every once in a while, he feels like dabbling in academia and changing it forever.

Maybe one day Barron could be the next president.

BREAKING: Donald Trump ROASTS Rex Tillerson In Newly Revealed IQ Test

This just in: Rex Tillerson has the lowest IQ ever recorded for a Secretary of State, proving once and for all that Rex, not Trump, is the true idiot.

It all started last week when Rex Tillerson reportedly called President Donald J. Trump a “moron” at, of all places, the Pentagon.

Shortly after this outburst, Trump took matters into his own hands earlier today, openly telling Forbes magazine with the dignity and no-frills attitude we’ve come to expect from Trump:

“I think it’s fake news. But if he did [say] that, I guess we’ll have to compare IQ tests. And I can tell you who is going to win.”

Trump, always a man of his word, made sure to make time out of his busy schedule to run the IQ tests, and a representative from the White House has approached The Daily Chronicle with the results.

Donald Trump’s tense relationship with Secretary of State Rex Tillerson came to a boil last week.

Solomon Baxter, Junior Representative For the White House HR Department, has let us in on the fact that Trump’s scores far surpassed Rex’s–and he’s gonna be very embarrassed by this one.

According to official tests administered by Mensa International, it turns out that Trump’s IQ rested at an impressive 162, on surpassing even that of Steven Hawking and coming close to former child prodigy Kim Ung-Yong.

Predictably, Rex didn’t fare quite so well. His score? A mere 74, making Rex Tillerson officially borderline retarded.

Well it seems that the results are in and once again, Trump has proven that he refuses to accept the false words of White House bullies–and proving yet again that he will fight false accusations with facts.

This story will be updated as more information is made available.