Rogue Amazon Drone Attempts To Deliver BOMB To White House

Special Delivery: yet another reason not to trust the impending takeover of drones.

As drones have rose to prominence in the past several decades, they have been responsible for killing babies, drug trafficking, and tariff circumvention, to name a few.

But this time, drones–and Amazon–may have gone too far.

At approximately 3:30am on October 25th, 2017, a drone arrived at the White House loading dock bearing what appeared to be gifts. Though the Secret Service had been fast asleep at that point, President Donald J. Trump–known to eschew sleep in order to get more work, deals, and negotiations done with foreign entities.

Trump approached the package skeptically, but tactfully. He had a feeling something was up–and he was right. Once the package was dropped off by the drone, an NFC chip hardwired into the bomb decoupled from the Amazon drone, effectively beginning a countdown of just five minutes. As soon as Trump realized what was in the package, he knew exactly what to do.

Keeping his former military experience and general intelligence in mind, Trump is no stranger to disarming bombs. Sources close to Trump estimate between one and four seconds remaining on the bomb. In the nick of time, Trump was able to save both himself, as well as over two centuries of American history in one fell swoop.

What does this mean for the future of America? Naturally, our skepticism towards drones now has a more established provenance. Perhaps Trump will enact more policies and strip more regulations to ensure that drones have no place in our society, or maybe he’ll even go for Amazon and fine them. After all, if products aren’t made and sold in America, what’s the point?

This story will be updated as it develops.

BREAKING: Dodgers REFUSE TO SING THE ANTHEM AT WORLD SERIES

Today, the first game of the 2017 World Series was underway between the Houston Astros and the Los Angeles Dodgers. The Astros, a hometown favorite, were primed to defeat the Dodgers early on.

But what happened before the game even started was of bigger note.

The Dodgers sat through the national anthem. Some players even began to kneel.

Joining other PC crusaders across the country, the spineless Los Angeles Dodgers manager refused to dress down his players. He should’ve told them they were wrong to disrespect the flag and our soldiers like that.

This is nothing new. Furthermore, this should be expected. If we ever want to affect serious change in our country and take it back from what it has become: a cesspool of takers and lazy bums, then we need to stop listening and idolizing these fools.

Idolize your pastors. Idolize your parents. Idolize your God. But do NOT idolize athletes, entertainers and the like. There are only here for you on Earth and NOT in heaven.

BREAKING: Jim Carrey Admitted To Insane Asylum

It’s been a rough year for Jim Carrey. As if his bizarre interview at the New York Fashion Week party wasn’t enough, it sounds like Jim’s got bigger problems now.

Following his ex-girlfriend, Cathriona White’s suicide in 2015, it appears that evidence has surmised that it might have been Carrey’s fault.

With both of these mixups, among others, considered Carrey has been officially admitted into the St. Johns Correctional Facility For Individuals in Calgary, Alberta in his homeland of Canada earlier this morning to begin intake procedures. If found to be mentally unfit, which is likely, he will have to make that his home for the next six to sixty years, depending on the severity, among other factors.

University of Oxford’s Head of Psychology, Sir Dr. Winston L. Burners-Lee, offered his take on the matter as well, providing us a psychological analysis of the following photo:

Carrey and Cathriona in 2015. Prior to her suicide, the two were noticeably unhappy, as noted by Sir Dr. Winston L. Berthers-Lee.

If you even so much as glance at, perhaps, this photo of the couple together in 2015, the idiosyncrasies are less than not obvious–starting with Carrey himself. Carrey assumes a traditional masculine power pose, hand in pocket, poised, and looking away, all the while wearing sunglasses. He is in control, and he simply doesn’t care about his girlfriend. Cathriona, on the other hand, hangs back; head straight but eyes on Carrey, she contemplates his next move. Whether or not there was violence in that house, one can only wonder.

Though Jim Carrey is one of my favorite actors, I have noticed a downward spiral in his career starting with 2008’s Yes Man and these circumstances are unsurprising. What do you think? Weigh in in the comments below.

This story will be updated as it develops.

BREAKING: Maxine Waters Threatens to “Take Trump Out”

Congresswoman Maxine Waters has threatened to attack to Trump and has been quoted as saying she wants to “Take Trump Out. Period.”

Waters has been one of the most outspoken critics of Trump.

Waters has suggested several times in past months that Trump should be impeached, most recently over his argument that NFL players should stop kneeling for the national anthem, a movement started in protest of police mistreatment of African-Americans.

Waters’ most recent comment about Trump, as reported first by The American Mirror, comes just a few months after a gunman opened fire on congressional Republicans as they practiced for a charity baseball game, severely wounding House Majority Whip Steve Scalise, R-La.

Democratic Rep. Al Green, Texas, also threatened to try to impeach Trump.

Earlier this month, he withdrew at the last minute an attempt to force the entire chamber to take a preliminary vote on the issue.

Though the effort would unlikely get a final vote in the GOP-controlled House, any such vote would be politically messy for any member, including Democrats who are trying to develop the message for the 2018 midterms beyond one merely opposing Trump, which has been unsuccessful for them.

Nancy Pelosi: “White People Are The Problem, Lets Only Elect Minorities From Now On”

Nancy Pelosi, the minority speaker in the House of Representatives, came out this week and said something extremely incendiary.

“At this point white people are the problem,” Pelosi said. “Let’s only elect minorities from now on. White people had their chance. They failed.”

Pelosi is ignoring the obvious fact that white people have created the largest source of innovation and wealth the world has ever seen. Western ideals have trumped nearly every facet of global life because it does indeed work better.

The Democratic party is moving so far left and becoming so multicultural that Pelosi, as a leader, must now adapt and let her white guilt do the talking. Ultimately, there is little room in the Democratic party for disagreements and Pelosi has to fall in line.

This continues a long line of anti-American sentiments that have sprung forth from Democratic leaders in the last two decades.

Candidates like Bernie Sanders and Hilary Clinton have clearly thrown America under the bus. Instead of venerating the country they serve and supporting our troops and flag, both have taken to bashing the American identity for cheap support and power.

“Multiculturalism IS America,” Sanders said last year. “No longer will we only have rich old white men leading the seat of power. Instead, let us be a more representative democracy and replace them with people of color.”

Pelosi could not be reached for comment, but her words speak for themselves.

Barron Trump Wins National Academic Award

Barron Trump, President Donald J. Trump’s youngest son with Melania, has just won a national academic award according the AP.

Barron, who has one of the highest GPAs in his class and is in the 99% of 11 year olds nationwide, has won the prestigious Quantum Mathematics Award. Barron study Quantum Mathematical Theory in school.

“[Barron] wrote a stellar essay,” mathematician and award presenter Terry Rooskhead said. “There honestly isn’t a smarter kid in America at the moment. He’s the youngest to ever win the award.”

Everybody knows Barron is a certified genius. His IQ is 163 and yet remarkably, he is humble and gracious in victory.

“Thank you so much to the board for this award,” Barron said. “I only do this for one reason: to make my father proud. Thank you daddy.”

As of now, Barron hasn’t decided which high school or even college he may go to. For now, he is sitting back and enjoying being a kid.

Still, every once in a while, he feels like dabbling in academia and changing it forever.

Maybe one day Barron could be the next president.

BREAKING: Donald Trump ROASTS Rex Tillerson In Newly Revealed IQ Test

This just in: Rex Tillerson has the lowest IQ ever recorded for a Secretary of State, proving once and for all that Rex, not Trump, is the true idiot.

It all started last week when Rex Tillerson reportedly called President Donald J. Trump a “moron” at, of all places, the Pentagon.

Shortly after this outburst, Trump took matters into his own hands earlier today, openly telling Forbes magazine with the dignity and no-frills attitude we’ve come to expect from Trump:

“I think it’s fake news. But if he did [say] that, I guess we’ll have to compare IQ tests. And I can tell you who is going to win.”

Trump, always a man of his word, made sure to make time out of his busy schedule to run the IQ tests, and a representative from the White House has approached The Daily Chronicle with the results.

Donald Trump’s tense relationship with Secretary of State Rex Tillerson came to a boil last week.

Solomon Baxter, Junior Representative For the White House HR Department, has let us in on the fact that Trump’s scores far surpassed Rex’s–and he’s gonna be very embarrassed by this one.

According to official tests administered by Mensa International, it turns out that Trump’s IQ rested at an impressive 162, on surpassing even that of Steven Hawking and coming close to former child prodigy Kim Ung-Yong.

Predictably, Rex didn’t fare quite so well. His score? A mere 74, making Rex Tillerson officially borderline retarded.

Well it seems that the results are in and once again, Trump has proven that he refuses to accept the false words of White House bullies–and proving yet again that he will fight false accusations with facts.

This story will be updated as more information is made available.

Donald Trump Adopts Shelter Dog

On Friday, October 6 2017, Donald Trump joins many presidents in adopting his first puppy to inhabit the White House.

Trump, a huge fan of man’s best friend, adopted Trixie. Trixie is a shelter dog and was given to the president as a gift by Governor Tim Scott.

“Every American president should have a good dog,” Scott said. “It was just a matter of time until Trump took the step to reach out to me to get one. I’m a dog lover myself.”

This is Trump’s 5th dog throughout his life. His first puppy was at the age of 8. His name was Rex and was a Spanish Terrier. Rex was Donald’s best friend until he left for college at the prestigious Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania.

Ivanka, Eric and Don Jr. all grew up with their own puppy. But Baron has yet to have his own. So the president fixed that.

“When I was a young boy my puppy was very special to me,” President Donald J. Trump said. “You should have seen [Baron’s] face. It lit right up.”

This story will be updated soon.